Sabtu, 04 April 2015

Wishful Thinking

In the brisk of the night, I laid down yet I can't close my eyes... Then again, I got a sudden emotional-wave when I saw a friend of mine posted about how proud she is of her father even though her father is not rich. No, I'm not bitching or being jealous, I like that kind of mentality. Well, actually I'm a bit... delusional. I don't dream big... nope. My dream is as simple as how my brain is functioning daily. You know, I really like to hear my friends telling their story about their family. There's this one friend with a big and fun and chaotic family yet even though sometimes they don't agree on something, she still got a father who worries after her when she doesn't come back home on holiday. Or this one friend who often quarelled with her mother but still she got a mother who will welcome her home, yells at her to wake up every morning or teaches her how to cook. And there's this one friend who always being cared by her attentive father. Well I know that everyone's life differ from each other. Sometimes I questioned mine... is it karma? Had I done something really bad in the past? If I ask for forgiveness 24/7 for what I've done in the past would everything change? I know I know, digging the past won't do anygood... I know... Now I wonder what my future would be like. Would I never get through this... would I ever. Grew up with working mother left me clueless about cooking when my friend says "my mother made this for you guys"... or those friends who can't go home because their father would be looking for them and gets mad when they got home late. Well, that made me seem though on the outside since I don't have someone to be hard for me then I have to be hard for myself. 

I don't know what has gotten into me. I sometimes wish I could turn back time, turn to the beautiful memories that seems surreal to me cause it happened long time ago. Well even though I pretend that "it's not hard to live by yourself" "I'm not a broken-home product" "you get love from others too, not just family" all the time. I'm not blaming anyone or regretting my life. Maybe no one understands sometimes I need a parental figure for me to lean on through all of my hardships.

I still hold this little, tiny hope that someday... somehow I'll have a father who got mad when I got home late or a mother who yelled at me when I don't want to wake up in the morning. That's it. I don't ask for anything else... well... can I ask one thing more? That my friends will always be loved by their family and never have to go through what I experienced. End.

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