Wishful Thinking

In the brisk of the night, I laid down yet I can't close my eyes... Then again, I got a sudden emotional-wave when I saw a friend of mine posted about how proud she is of her father even though her father is not rich. No, I'm not bitching or being jealous, I like that kind of mentality. Well, actually I'm a bit... delusional. I don't dream big... nope. My dream is as simple as how my brain is functioning daily. You know, I really like to hear my friends telling their story about their family. There's this one friend with a big and fun and chaotic family yet even though sometimes they don't agree on something, she still got a father who worries after her when she doesn't come back home on holiday. Or this one friend who often quarelled with her mother but still she got a mother who will welcome her home, yells at her to wake up every morning or teaches her how to cook. And there's this one friend who always being cared by her attentive father. Well I know that everyone's life differ from each other. Sometimes I questioned mine... is it karma? Had I done something really bad in the past? If I ask for forgiveness 24/7 for what I've done in the past would everything change? I know I know, digging the past won't do anygood... I know... Now I wonder what my future would be like. Would I never get through this... would I ever. Grew up with working mother left me clueless about cooking when my friend says "my mother made this for you guys"... or those friends who can't go home because their father would be looking for them and gets mad when they got home late. Well, that made me seem though on the outside since I don't have someone to be hard for me then I have to be hard for myself. 

I don't know what has gotten into me. I sometimes wish I could turn back time, turn to the beautiful memories that seems surreal to me cause it happened long time ago. Well even though I pretend that "it's not hard to live by yourself" "I'm not a broken-home product" "you get love from others too, not just family" all the time. I'm not blaming anyone or regretting my life. Maybe no one understands sometimes I need a parental figure for me to lean on through all of my hardships.

I still hold this little, tiny hope that someday... somehow I'll have a father who got mad when I got home late or a mother who yelled at me when I don't want to wake up in the morning. That's it. I don't ask for anything else... well... can I ask one thing more? That my friends will always be loved by their family and never have to go through what I experienced. End.

Burong Mandi, The Hidden Jewel of Belitung Island (Part I)

Never once did I thought that I would step my feet on a stranger-to-my-ear place called Burong Mandi. Well at first, it actually did sounds strange to me because ‘Burong’ means bird and ‘Mandi’ means bathing in Indonesian. So if it gets translated literally it means a bathing bird and that’s funny for a village name. The reason that I bother to spend my precious holiday going to some remote island (sorry, I was being hyperbolic) was to observe the social and economic aspects of that village, yeah, I’m that kind of person… kidding. 

Happiness in solitude...

So, this insomnia is kicking in again lol and I got nothing to do... literally, I got bunch of things to do, but everyone knows that feels when you're too tired to do anything yet still got too much energy to go bed... so yeah, this is the result of my (another) boredom. Well, no specific rant tho but I wonder why some people really love to test my patience. This, I got this huge problem with some people, well... it's more like my own problem, not theirs. you know... certain people really love being alone. they got no problems eating alone, even enjoying it. they love to shop for books alone, well actually any kind of shopping. first, I hate shopping and even if I ever do that, I'll buy anything I want (not need) and I really hate window shopping! okay back to the topic, some people find joy in their solitary life, and I belong to that category. I prefer eating alone, watching movies alone, buying things alone... there are many things to do when you're alone. I'm not talking about being single without boyfriend here -_- I mean... I totally can't understand people that say they have to eat with others and that it feels pathetic to eat alone. why? the food still taste the same and digested well even when you're eating alone. and I totally hateeeeeee it when people pesters me to go somewhere with them or to meet ups with people I'm not comfortable with. there was this occasion when... A : lets go to this 'packed with people and boring fest' with us! | Me : Sorry, I don't want to go out. | A : come on, it will be fun! | Me : No, thanks... sorry hehehe | A : are you sure you don't want to come? | Me : *can she do the math???????!!! when I said no, I always mean it... and it's annoying like hell to be pestered to go out like that. I hate going out to places full of people too, it's dizzying. even thinking about that makes me goes... ugh. I don't hate people, some of them are totally cool and nice. yeah, they're the ones who actually listen to you and respect your choice, not trying to get their thoughts into your head. I always try to help people and tend to put them before. If a basket full of apples got a rotten one, I'd get that rotten one rather than see others suffering. well it works if I like those people....... I've said before that I always put a thin barrier between me and others. well I can't stand being hurt or watch them get hurt by me. then it results to me ignoring texts, phone calls and invitations. I love you guys but please don't try to tie me with you. I'm a free spirits. ah.... I really hate people who judge me for being weird. hello, who sets the bar that being alone is weird and putting up a mask then meet ups with others is normal? they need to accept the fact that I find happiness in my solitude much like they find happiness in hanging out with people.

well... okay, typing with this phone is tiring lol conclusion : I enjoy being alone so don't force me to come out of my hole. And I only care for people nice enough for me, so if I care for you, you're a lucky one cause I'd do anything for you. I can't stand fake people and overly friendly people, I'm not hating but I'll feign ignorance. Rejecting will lead to suffering so don't make me have to reject you cause I don't want to suffer. just please...... let me be alone when I need to be. And actually, it's not that nice to get too attached to people.

Nolan's Diary

I was bored... so I decided to write a really short story...

The Diamond and The Stone

　　　　12:21 AM. April 9, 2014... Hari ini pemilu legislatif tapi bukan itu masalahnya. In this late of night, while everyone has swimming in their dreams, I’m here wondering and writing about how my heart felt really stuffed recently. I don’t know where to start because this problem has getting worse and getting sooooo freakin’ complicated. And that’s one of my reasons of why I don’t like getting to know and close to people. This post will led to hurting some people’s feeling... But I just... Can’t... Hold it any longer.

Idina Menzel - Let It Go

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the Queen

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside

Couldn't keep it in; Heaven knows I've tried

Lesson About Life...

Forgiving is hard, artinya memaafkan itu susah buat yang nggak bisa bahasa inggris. sori ya sok Inggris gitu, TOEFL nya tinggi kemaren. bwahahaha sampah. oke bukan ini masalahnya.

Secangkir laut (what a name) ijinkan aku nyampah lagi disini ya :3 kenapae tiba tiba? nggak tau aja kemarin habis buka album foto lama jadi menye...

reminiscing old memories usually makes people happy but it works if you're happy in this moment too. it's not that I'm not happy... just you know that feeling when the you from the past was happier than the you in the present? Yeah... that feeling just struck me now.